[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
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Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses