Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing