[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
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Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I love you…
…r dog.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.