Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
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Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…