Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.