my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
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ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Um … Hot Wings please
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
there has never been a better use of this meme
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.