[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.