[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
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Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!