Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
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“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Aaaa…CHOO!
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.