Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
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CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Most fashion shows these days…
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that