A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
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Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today