It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
You Might Also Like
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.