The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
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Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Name another movie that mislead you?
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what