Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
You Might Also Like
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english