thanksgiving should be called feaster
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me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.