My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
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How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
What
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.