I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?