Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
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When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?