if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
See..?
.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.