In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off