Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.