this is the best interaction on twitter
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If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Strange
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.