Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
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[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.