God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
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Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
This is my favorite one of these!
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Natural selection at its finest
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.