The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
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Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
need him
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*exercises sarcastically*