My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
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me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
o shit
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.