Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
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A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
work smarter, not harder
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.