Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
CUTE CAT‼︎
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it