Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
That de-escalated quickly
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Comparing yourself to others
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.