[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
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Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.