Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program