I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
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Aaaa…CHOO!
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.