If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
You Might Also Like
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what