[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
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I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
not seeing the problem
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?