Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
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Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.