“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
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I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Every house has this drawer
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Dammit Chief not again
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
No chill.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.