I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
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LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Rambo Rambow
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
no cat here
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.