Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
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My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.