My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
You Might Also Like
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
shampoo implies shampee
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.