My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
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[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.