[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
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Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
When you’re Kinky but poor
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.