Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
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i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Snapes on a plane.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If only
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.