Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
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I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Siri: Retweet me.
Nomnomnomnom
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.