“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
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When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
concern
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Genius idea!!
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?