ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
You Might Also Like
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
2022 will be better than 2021
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I feel it
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts