The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
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If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.