My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
why I oughta
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.