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Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Cake safety first. Always.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few