Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
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I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head