We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
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My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”